So I am sitting here at work on my lunch break and I feel like total shit. It is a new year and that means I have a replenished bank of sick time and vacation time that I am already contemplating dipping into. It’s difficult to think that there may be a time that I may simply be unable to hold down a job because of my erratic sickness and wellness trampoline fiesta. I push through the yuckiness regularly because that’s what needs to be done to maintain my life today. Our apartment is amazing and also not cheap. The fact that we found a place with our credit, two cats, in such an amazing location, (we live in an amazing 130 year old Victorian house that looks like a set from a Wes Anderson movie, split up into apartments, near downtown in an expensive college town), it was meant to be and not something I am willing to let go of. Our building is full of interesting and diverse people and they treat us like family. That being said, we have to work hard to stay here.
I have days where I feel like I won’t be able to get out of bed, but then I realize that I just don’t want to and that I can if I just don’t think about how much it will suck. These are the times that my 12 step program kicks in and reminds me that I can get get through anything, even if I have to literally take it a couple of minutes at a time. This is what I do on those days; I tell myself moment to moment that all I have to do is get through this next five minutes, this next task. I tell myself that if I focus on whatever activity it is that I must engage in, it will distract me from my pain and discomfort or nausea or whatever it is that is slowing me down and pulling me under on that particular day. So far I am still here and I have not died, gotten fired, had too many meltdowns or murdered anyone. My spleen has not exploded and my head has not fallen of. I still have all of my limbs and teeth and so do my co-workers. My marriage is holding up and my kitties still come near me. So far this technique is working.
Then there is the hard part. The days where I really truly and honestly just can’t do it. I have to be kinder to myself on those days and not beat myself up. I have to learn that there are those times that I have to say ‘nope, I’ve got to check out for the day and heal, rest and rejuvenate’. On those days my head messes with me and tells me that I am faking it. If I have the energy to walk to the bathroom or wash a dish that I used I think to myself, ‘I could have used this energy at work, what am I doing? I am being lazy!’ I hope to someday reach a point where I do not think this way but for now it is really hard.