Everything is changing. My sponsor calls it a course correction. I call it a highly inconvenient, devastating reality. Imagine my life was in a box and someone has picked up this box, shaken it, stirred it, poured mustard in it and then gave it one more shake for good measure before setting it back down on it’s side with it’s skirt up over its head. This is my current state.
I spend a lot of time crying. I cry myself to sleep. I cry when someone asks me how I am doing. I cry when my cats do something hilarious and I want to share it with someone who is not there. I cry when I see or hear the name James, which is fun because everyone I know is married to or dating or related to a James. James is my husband and best friend. He will soon be my ex husband. Suffice it to say that we were living very different lives. There was no lack of love. There IS no lack of love, but we just couldn’t get it together. My heart is broken and for the first time in my life I am really allowing myself to feel these stupid fucking feelings. Yay for almost 4 years clean. Boo for not being able to drown these feelings with wine and clonipin.
Fucked up shit I’ve been thinking about:
- Does he really love me?
- Will we ever be together again?
- What if he falls in love with someone else?
- What If I fall in love with someone else?
- What if I die alone and my cats will eat my rotting body?
- How long until the neighbors will notice?
- Do I need a relationship to define me?
- Am I fundamentally afraid of being alone?
- Should I feel guilty because I am feeling some relief?
- Is he relieved?
- Will any of this matter in a year?
- What could I have done differently?
- How will I ever find someone else that I can be myself around?
- Should I publically post this?
- How do I let him go when I don’t want him to let me go?
I know all the bumper sticker sayings to get me through this difficult time; “Gods plan for me is perfect,” “One day at a time,” “This too shall pass,” but the fact remains that I am in pain. I am in pain and there is nothing that I can do but feel these feelings. Fuck feelings. Yes I know it will get easier with time, but when goddammit? When I hurt, that’s when I really want that instant gratification. Chocolate, binge watching vikings, buying shit I don’t need. Well thanks to the lovely financial reality of divorce, I can no longer buy shit I don’t need as I can hardly afford the things that I do need. Trying to to maintain an apartment on the income of two was fine, but on just my income, it’s so tight that if I anything whatsoever goes wrong I will be thrown into the economic abyss.
And yet I am grateful. Even though my body is in painful knots from my still yet to be determined auto-immune illness, even though I am broke, even though I am lonely, sad, heartbroken and starting over, I am grateful. I am grateful to be starting over, because I have more information now. I have more experience now. I have learned new lessons. I am starting over, but at least I am starting something instead of dwelling on the ending of something else, something that is clearly not meant for me anymore, or at least not at this time. There is so much life out there for me. But for now I am doing my best to gracefully let go of one thing and embrace another.
It’s nice to be in a place where I actually feel I have the option and tools to make healthy choices today. Instead of getting blitzed, I read a book, I paint, I call a friend in or out of recovery (well text, if I’m honest). I attempt to get plenty of rest. I take quiet time for me. Okay so maybe I eat my feelings a little bit, but then I indulge in a self loathing journal entry afterwards… The point is, I’m okay…..ish… well maybe I just have faith that I will be okay in time. Yeah that’s it! Fuck this shit is hard. I need chocolate. I want my cats. Is it over yet?