Blog · Rant · Uncategorized

Robot Mode

So divorce… yeah. I don’t know what the correct way to behave is, and I suppose there is not any one particular way. Watch Eat Pray Love? Check! Poop with the bathroom door open? Check! Pretend you feel empowered? Check! I feel like I am navigating muddy waters, unable to find my way to the surface. Or maybe I am more like a pig, just sitting in the mud, comfortable in my own warm, wet shit. Then I will feel okay for a little while and it’s almost like nothing has happened. Then I find myself going home from work, day after day, and not wanting to do anything but sit there. I don’t even really want to watch t.v. I just want the end of the day or the weekend to hurry up and get here. Then it does. The days are flying by faster and faster. The weekend is here, and then I do nothing. I say I’m gonna paint, or go for a bike ride or go for a walk, but I don’t. I say I’m gonna cook myself a healthy meal and finish the dishes in the sink, (some of which have been there since he left weeks ago), but I don’t. Hurry up and do nothing. I just feel blank. I feel like I have nothing to really look forward to and I almost don’t care. I don’t know if it’s just my defense mechanism kicking in that I have had established since I was a child, but I go into ‘I feel nothing’ mode. Things get really intense and crazy and emotions start flowing in with the fear, but then, click! It’s gone. I don’t think I really have much of a choice when the switch gets flipped, but I think it has been flipped. I’m just on autopilot. What needs to be done? Okay I’ll do that. Then when that’s done, what nextniagra? I just maintain a minimal amount of effort to stay afloat. No real thought goes into anything. I don’t feel sad, or angry. I just don’t really feel. At least it’s safe for now. I get up, go to work, come home, go to a meeting, got to bed. Repeat. But them feelins’, they’ll come back soon, and when they get here, “Niagra Falls Frankie Angel”. I guess that’s something to look forward to.

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